if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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