bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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