i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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