I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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