I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
