I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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