you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
