please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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