is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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