I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Every concussion has its silver lining
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
