omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
