Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
