Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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