Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
