I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
