things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
