How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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