Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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