Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
