Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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