I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
