i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
