It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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