I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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