Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
