Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
