I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
