The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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