the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you had me at cake vodka
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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