My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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