I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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