i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sext me about skeletons
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
