oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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