What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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