There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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