im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
