oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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