I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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