I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have post one night stand depression
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