i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
