we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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