What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize