i already hear my dad disowning me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
