I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
