me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
