when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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