Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
