the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
