We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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