We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
And then he peed in my hair
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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