Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
