Heybabeimwearingurpanties
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
