UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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