I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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