did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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