just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
