I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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