Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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