Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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