i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
