I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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