He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
